What do you get from being chronically ill?

I just gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on January then I found out I have rheumatoid arthritis.. again.. yes, again. It took some time for me to process. I could accept it, well parts of it. I try to accept it. I asked God: didn’t you heal me? What happened God? It was so embarrassing too because I told people that God healed me 1.5 years ago.
Well, in all honesty, I’m glad the arthritis is back because I needed that nudge to be close to Him. I’ve been in my comfort zone for too long, I haven’t loved Him as much as I could. When you’re suffering, you’re on auto-pilot just feeling closer to God because you just need Him.. more.

Then I said to God: ok, I’ll accept this, I still have faith in You. I know you know me better. I know that it’s for my own good. I know that I will never understand this until I meet You. I’m not the only who had been cured by a miracle and the illness came back. All those talks that goes in my head.

Then it’s time for me to take my medication. I have to stop breastfeeding and I still have LOTS of breast milk. I had to express my milk and .. throw it away…

Until now, I can’t find anybody that understands what I’m going through when I had to throw away my milk. I screamed to God, I yelled to God. I can accept my illness but I can’t do this. Why are You so mean? I’m trying to be obedient but this.. this doesn’t make sense.. it’s too hard.. I tried so hard to increase my milk supply and now You’re asking me to stop my supply. I thought You as a God would want me to breastfeed my son. It doesn’t make sense! Why are you punishing me? What did I do so wrong to deserve this?

And the list of complain goes on.. for several days..

Then all of a sudden, my sis sent me a youtube video song, the last lyric goes like this: Lord give me the strength to do your will. And my dear friend once said: to be His disciple, you must take up your cross and follow Him. Then I remember I read somewhere before that when you’re in your lowest, that’s when God is nearest, embracing you and helping you to get through it (even though I certainly didn’t feel He’s there but it’s comforting knowing that He’s there).

I slowly can accept it. I still don’t understand it but my suffering is nothing when I looked around. There are always people that suffer more than us. What suffering gives me is compassion. Nobody understands my pain more than I do and when someone goes through what I went through, I can comfort her. I can tell her that I know what you’re going through because I’ve been there and don’t worry, I’m here for you. I don’t understand the suffering of a cancer patient but someone that is going through cancer can only be comforted by someone who has suffered cancer too.

By going through this suffering, I can see my life goal clearly and I understand my faith more. My friend once shared with me about some people that are canonized in Kerrala, India. She said, “They live a very simple life, they’re so humble they always rely on God. They think they’re nothing without God.” That very sentence will be remembered forever in my heart.

When I can’t sleep, I would ask my husband to put on the rosary app on iphone (it helps me to sleep but shoosh don’t tell Mother Mary) and there is one of the decade that Jesus says that to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, we must be like little children.
I always hear this but never fully grasp meaning of these words and that’s why I still have a lot to learn. To be just accepting everything, rely on God completely, maybe one day, one day I can be a saint. I love this quote, every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

“The only tragedy in life is not to become a saint.” – Leon Bloy.leon bloy

Take the blame

I was really hurt by someone, I couldn’t sleep and then it made me think.. hard..

I reflected on how far I’ve come (and a very long journey I still have). During my early year of marriage, my husband said to me, “just blame me..” Those precious meaningful words that I will forever remember and cherish. He knew when he took me as his wife that I have a long list of heart aches (inner wound) as my baggage, he didn’t mind. Whenever I was unhappy, he would mention those words to comfort me. As a mean wife I was, I did, I blamed him for every single thing that went wrong on that particular day. To say I abused the privilege was an understatement. Being a wonderful soul that he is, he took it. He took every single blame. I would be so full of rage and yelled at him, he didn’t mind. He just kept quiet and when I was done he would hold me so close and let me finish my cry on his shoulder *awww*. Then it would took me a couple of hours to say: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. He would say, yes I know and he would forget about it. He’d never mention it ever.

I learn God the Father’s love from Him. It is gentle, it is kind, it is forgiving, it is patient and so on. It’s something new, it’s alien to me. I never felt that much loved in my whole life, I always feel unwanted. For him to ask me to be his wife is a strange thing, why would someone want to be with me? He did, that’s why I marry him. He was from a family that respects each other, cherish each other, protects each other and just love one another. My family is not that bad, it’s just the concept of love is plain weird. I was never brought up that way. My parents love me and would do anything for me, I know that but I didn’t grow up in a nurturing environment.

Anyway, then I remembered when I talked to my sis earlier. She told me that she had a ‘fight’ with her bff a couple of days ago. She told me she was joking about something repetitively but it seemed that her friend took it the other way. Her friend was so upset that she told my sis off. My sis then quickly apologized because she didn’t realize it hurt her friend so badly and did anything that she could think of to mend the relationship. But her friend was so upset that she gave my sis the silent treatment for a couple of days.

My sis was miserable, she felt so horrible but then after around 4 days her friend came around and apologized to my sis. She said that she didn’t mean it, she had a lot in her mind and can we just forget about it.

Going back to the topic about taking the blame. Both my husband and my sis took the blame for someone else, they did it selflessly. It changed me and it changed my sis’ friend. Maybe if more of us would take the blame for someone else, just maybe.. maybe the world would be a better place. There are so many people that are hurt, they carry their baggage around with them and the worst thing is they don’t know how not to feel hurt anymore. So maybe by helping them unload a little bit and not taking offense, maybe we can ‘heal’ them.

That’s what Jesus did. He took the blame selflessly for us.
I think in my opinion, we need to learn to be ok to take other people’s shit and learn to poop rainbow *excuse my language*, it’ll make other people feel better and we learn to be more selfless. Isn’t that what love is about? Mother Teresa once said: Love, to be real, must cost, it must hurt, it must empty us of self.

As much hard work as it sounds, that should be my goal in life. A very difficult lesson but will worth every single pain that I’ll have to endure. As Our Lady of Fatima said, “If men knew what eternity is, they would do everything to change their lives.”

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Mother Mary Reflection

Reading Sukumaran’s mom’s open letter to Indonesian president really moved me. There is one part especially that struck me, the part when she said, “Mr. President, can you imagine your son being tied into a pole and being shot?” I certainly can’t but Mother Mary can. And what struck me the most is Sukumaran was a drug dealer; Jesus did NOTHING, he was not a criminal, he was merely sharing love to the world, yet as a mother, Mother Mary had to watch her son being TORTURED for HOURS then crucified.. The pain of betrayal, the pain of humiliation, the pain of torture.

How great is Mother Mary’s role in the history of salvation. I still remember a priest was telling a story: when the angel Gabriel waited for Mary’s response, the whole entire heaven was waiting anxiously. Like a football match waiting for the goal, it was intense!! When Mary finally said YES, the entire heaven cheered!!

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Being a mom myself, I know very well the journey of being pregnant, giving birth and raising a child. You never know your heart can expand so big. Can you imagine the sorrow Mother Mary must have endured? She just kept it in her heart, still believed in God, never doubted God and obeyed God till the end. My level of respect just skyrocketed for her.

So, I just want to thank Sukumaran’s mom for her letter.

Ps: if I were mama Mary, I must’ve smacked Judas’s bum so hard. When you’re a mom, you know your child’s friends well and having your child’s friend did that to your child -> unacceptable!
Pss: that’s why I still have a long journey to heaven. Lord, have mercy on me.